Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

I am not sending Amma a bouquet again.

This time, I sent her a beautiful bouquet of all sorts of flowers in it, beautifully arranged and kept in a round glass vase. She received it in the night. Super thrilled by it, she took out one flower and kept it near a God's photo. Next morning, the maid servant wears a Saree which is the same colour as one of the flowers. So the maid gets one to wear on her hair. 2-3 small ones are sent to gran so that she can wear it. Another gran staying in the house does a puja, so she adorns other Gods' photos with flowers too and rest of the flowers' petals are plucked out to do what they call a 'pushpa archana' (form of worship). Stems and fillers are duly thrown away. What happened to the cute round vase you ask? It is now used for keeping spoons and forks.

Again, what was I thinking gifting her a bouquet?

'Happy birthday daddy', I jumped on his bed at 12 in the night, switched on the lights and woke him up. He half opened his eyes, blood-red with sleep, and took the flower I got him from my plant. The plant I used to water, take care of and never let anybody else touch it. He smiled. With arms wrapped around him I gave him what he liked to collect the most - a pen. It did look very fancy and I loved his handwriting.

Amma came with a beautiful gold ring. 'That's for you, you 50 year old man', said she. We had gone shopping for a good 3 hours looking for a ring we both liked. Before the look of surprise settled on his face, 'It was her idea' amma said looking at me. I rolled my eyes to imply 'That was a silly thing to say' and I did scold her for giving me the credit and ruining the romance in the moment, the next day.

My super sleepy daddy thanked us and slept right away, I slept with them on their bed that night.

The man who hated to celebrate his birthday since the death of his twin brother, for the first time was gleaming the whole day after he woke up.

This was 9 years ago on this date. The last birthday of his life. The last happy memory I have of him.

They say time heals, but love hurts faster and deeper than time to even start healing.

I was sleeping like a baby this morning. There was plenty of time for the alarm to off.

And suddenly I smelled this beautiful aroma, of tomato rasam and beetroot stir fried with plenty of shredded coconut being cooked. In my sleepy state I thought "Amma's making tasty food, wow!". And I smiled.

I think I had this dream because, growing up, I used to get up on Sundays by the aroma of the food she cooked, and wander in the kitchen aimlessly like a puppy opening lids and checking out what's special for Sunday...

I opened one eye, saw a different room than the one I had back home. Confused I thought "Maybe daddy brought me to this place. I didn't know he cooked rasam and beetroot so well...".

I opened both my eyes and realized I am away, no rasam, no beetroot, no Amma, no daddy. I would prefer a nightmare anyday to this dream. That's when I felt like reality hit me hard - "Hungry? Wanna eat? GO COOK!" :-(

I miss those carefree days where one odd day I'd decide to show off my culinary skills and make a simple potato fry but make a big deal out of it and expect the whole household to rejoice in my talent - and they did...

I have been feeling my worst throughout the day :-(

I used to live in Chennai when I was little, near the Santhome beach. Back then, we(parents and me) were an average struggling middle-class family and had bought our first flat without any loans. Naturally for a few years before and a few that followed, we were literally living hand to mouth. In those struggling days, is my most treasured childhood memory etched.

During that period, my parents could not afford to take me out to restaurants often. Our basic necessities were fulfilled, no doubt. But we didn't have the disposable income to spend on enjoyment. So what did they do?

Amma used to come back from work and cook dinner. She'd then pack this up in hot-packs. In the meanwhile, daddy would take out a neatly folded bedsheet from the cupboard and pack three plates and spoons along with it. We'd take all that and walk to the beach. The beach was only 5min away from home. Daddy then would pick a nice clean corner, put the sheet on the sand and amma used to serve us food. And in the starlight , cool sea breeze increasing our appetite, we would happily eat. There were no hawkers in the night, the beach was practically deserted and silent except for the soothing sound of the waves.

After eating, daddy and I would lie down with our heads on each of amma's lap looking at the stars. And he would tell me stories - stories from his childhood, flying kites, pranks that he and his twin would play on others, walking 3 hours everyday to go to school which was in the neighbouring village, stealing mangoes, studying in the next street's light and harassing teachers. Amma would tell me about her childhood stories and city life . I would then shoot my random questions at them about life, people, science, geography, anything, and they would patiently answer. If I was in the mood, I would sing
them a nice Carnatic song. After spending an hour or so like that, daddy would buy me a kucchi-ice(ice cream that you get on a stick) or a pot kulfi. But they never bought for themselves. It never occurred to me that they might be deliberately not spending on themselves to save money....

Eating the ice cream, we would walk back home. All those stories, amma's warm lap and the cool breeze would have me ready to sleep as soon as I lay on the bed.

I don't remember what made those nights so special. Amma cooked nothing special - just ordinary yogurt, rice and potato curry or just coconut rice or just tamarind rice. The days they picked to go were not special holidays or weekends, normal week days picked at random and very often. And those stories were probably repeated many times. The ice cream was definitely not the bait as my thatha(grandpa) used to buy me chocolates or cakes or ice creams stealthily very often. Yet when I remember those nights, it makes me happy, lifts my spirits. Makes me feel as though I was a princess....

The rich had reservations and candle light dinners, we had leftovers and starlight dinners.

So what's your most precious childhood memory?

A question every parent dreads! Especially with a kid like me - a living nightmare I say! One incident from my childhood I can never forget - the day I confronted my parents with the question and caught them off guard!

It was that time of my life for my parents to reveal some selective information about the 'reproduction mystery' and they assumed I will be approaching my mom. But no, I thought that my dad was a better person to ask as he used to work in a med company, so he must be having more knowledge about the human body than ma.

One night me, ma and dad are having dinner, watching TV. Out of the blue,
Me: Daddy, so how big is the egg inside a woman? This much? (Gesturing the size if a water melon - naive/silly to apply the rule of direct proportion to a hen's egg and a human being's)
Ma: (Shocked, starts eating faster)
Dad: (Unperturbed) No No, it is microscopic
Me: (Confused) Oh! How is a baby made then?
Ma: (Gives me the look)
Dad: (Slightly irritated) There is a certain cell called 'sperm' to combine with the egg and that becomes a baby
Ma: (Finishes dinner in a hurry, rushes inside the kitchen)
Me: Where is the sperm?
Dad: (Highly uncomfortable) Its found in men
Me: So how does this sperm meet the egg?
Ma: Gestures from the kitchen behind dad's back to shut up or she'll come and beat me
Dad: errr.......mmm....Ya, that I shall explain another day, now eat quietly (of course that day never came, thank God and ma!!!)

By now I am quiet, thanks to mom's threat and dad's sudden interest in TV and not wanting to look at me. But my brain would not stop wondering. I suddenly remember my paternal grand parents have 10 children. Unable to contain myself I spurt with much excitement

Me: Oh yes, paati and thatha (grandma and grandpa) must have done this 'meeting' ten times no?

No reply. Awkward silence. This time dad's appetite is lost. Off he goes into the kitchen to keep his plate.
And the lecture I got from ma the next day!!!

Its a weekday morning. 8.30. I must be at the station, waiting for the train but I am on my bed, sleeping. My mobile rings. Half asleep, I open one eye to see who it is. Its mom.
Me: Will talk to you later
She keeps the phone. She calls again after 20minutes. I am extremely annoyed in my half-asleep state.
Me: Didn't I say I will call you later? Please don't keep calling me.

A couple of hours later, I wake up feeling guilty for being so mean to her. So I call her. She picks up the phone and with a voice laden with concern and worry she says
'How are you feeling now?'

Me: Actually ma I am having the flu. Took a strong dose of medicines, I hope its not H1N1...'
Ma: When I called you and heard no noise in the background, I realized you must be at home. Something must be wrong - you must not be feeling well.'
Me: I am sorry I spoke to you rudely ma. I didn't realize in my sleep.
Ma: Its OK kanna
Then she goes on talking about what to eat, what not to eat...

The fact that I spoke to her rudely was not even an issue to her. My health was. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever have it in me to be so forgiving. EVER?

I guess when mothers celebrate your kicks inside their womb, they start forgiving you for every 'kick' of yours in every stage of your life.

I started to write a comment on DiDo's post, realized it became too long, so decided to convert it to a post.

One of my friends, quite modern and outgoing met me after her recent break up. The reason was, the guy thought after 4 years that they could not marry and be happy, so he decided to part ways. I asked her if it was because he wanted a joint family. Her answer was shocking!

"I would any day settle for a joint family. In fact I will  insist that the guy's parents live with us. Do you really think cooking and taking care of kids is something that suits my image? I am going to work after marriage, even if I am not ambitious..."

I kinda understood why any guy would see a marriage not working with this attitude.

Its all wrong and messed up people! Parents have a life(even if its a boring one). It is not OK to expect them to be unpaid nannies of your children and do the dirty work. On the other hand, parents are wrong to hold their children responsible in any way to take care of them as a way of expressing gratitude, returning favours,  or as a matter of duty.

When did the word 'duty' substitute the word 'love' when it comes to family ties? Every relationship thrives on 'give and take' but not on keeping and settling accounts. Love can and should never expect anything in return. Joint family or nuclear, should be a collective decision which treats the feelings of everyone concerned fair and equal.

.....in an ideal world!

PS: These questions arise only in Indian culture...gah

I once went to meet my cousins Mini-8yrs and Tiny-4yrs when I was 14yrs old. I hugged and kissed Mini.

Tiny: (eyebrows raised) Why did you kiss her?
Me: 'Cause she is my darling sister just like you
Tiny: (with her 'I know it all expression')You should not kiss girls
Me: (shocked) Why???
Tiny: Girls can only kiss boys and boys can only kiss girls, don't you know?
Me: (am I awake?) Who taught you all this?
Tiny: Nobody teaches these things silly! You discover it yourself!
Me: (persistent) Did you see it on TV?
Tiny: No, not in this case

I am about to faint by now and my aunt walks in. I narrate to her all that has happened so far.

Aunt: Do you really think girls cannot kiss girls?
Tiny: Yes
Aunt: Now wont you kiss me baby?
Tiny: (confidently) No
Aunt: Who will kiss me then?
Tiny: (with a hint of dismissal) Your husband obviously, you wished for the neighbour or what???

I faint.

September 2006 - Its for the first time, I left home, moved to UK to make something out of myself. Ma was still coming to terms with my empty room, so she had called over my gran and uncle.

The day they arrive, she calls me and talks in whispers throughout the call. Here is the conversation-

Ma: I saw a CD on your computer table, but don't worry I 've hidden it
Me: What CD? Why did you hide it?
Ma: What would your uncle think of you if he sees it? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone
Me: (a thousand thoughts crossing my mind)WHAT CD IS IT???
Ma: I don't know, you have written 'How to lose a guy in 10 days' on it
Me: (rolling with laughter) Its a movie!!! Please watch it and show it to uncle as well. Its totally a normal movie
Ma: (quite stubborn) Gran and uncle are not as forward as you. There is no need to mention anything to them!

All the explanation I gave her after that fell on deaf ears. So the next time I went, I showed her the movie and proved my point, much to her relief.

I wonder what must have been going on in her head...
I am happy she tried to save my ass though :)