My friend E is doing her MBA and wanted to interview managers internationally with some business etiquette questions for one of her projects. I asked my manager if he would like to help her out and he was glad to.

The questionnaire she gave had a question which was 'What is the number and gender of the people you manage?'.
My manager had answered 7 men, 3 women and 4 goldfish.

E met me online later to thank me.

E: Hey why he had written '4 goldfish' as an answer to who he manges?
Me: That was a joke dear. We have a fish tank in the office :-)
E: Oh, I thought 'goldfish' is a code or a slang you guys use for transgenders
Me: !!!

Across the road,
Standing outside my door,
I saw him with heavy pockets,
A kid in the candy store.

Smiling as he saw
Many options more,
Happily confused was
The kid in the candy store.

I checked my pocket
With a heart sore,
I frowned unlike
The kid in the candy store.

There were no coins
But candies four.
All broken, I envied
The kid in the candy store.

I heard mother
Yell out a chore,
So I quit staring at
The kid in the candy store.

With chores I earned
Two candies more!
I thought I'd look at
The kid in the candy store.

He still was there
Trying to explore...
'Any other flavour?' said
The kid in the candy store.

Only then I thought
I had hit a better score,
With satisfaction than
The kid in the candy store.

I don't want more choices
Than I can endure,
Even if life's not as luxurious as
The kid in the candy store!

I am totally nuts about taking pictures. So much that I gifted myself a Panasonic TZ5 last year for my birthday :P With this awesome camera of mine I cannot stop clicking. I take pictures of anything - water, a single leaf, flowers, my shoe strap, bugs, and my present favourite - my fish :)

Sometime ago, AB and I had been to a mini zoo with animals in cages. I didn't like the cages but was overjoyed to start playing with my favourite toy again, my camera!

I took many pictures from many angles. I took so much effort, bending, stretching, getting cramps in my legs to get the perfect animal shots.
Here are a few samples -

Meerkats family photo

Media shy monkey


















Penguin guarding his castle and the king












Otter planning his escape











While I was sweating on one hand, I looked at AB from the corner of my eye. He signalled me to come near him - near the cage he was standing next to.

A leopard was on the back of another - yes-yes, they were errr.... hmmmmm.... humping like crazed rabbits! The one on top, obviously the male, had held her neck with his jaw and happily doing the wild thing (pun intended). And they were not even adults, I would not even classify them as adolescent, they were mid-way between babies and adolescent! That age where you kind of know things but are not sure... Well, we only fished for information in that age, this leopard fished for a partner to hone his skills! Bad kitty... I was just about to take a picture, that he sensed our presence and moved away. Gah! Civilized leopards, don't go away, it's not like I threw stones at you, only switched on my camera...

Well AB took a picture with his phone. Although I feel the picture would have been tonnes better taken from my super-cool camera, he did score more than me (none compared to the leopard's score though :P). After all, photography is not just about the perfect resolution, it's about the perfect timing, isn't it?

I used to live in Chennai when I was little, near the Santhome beach. Back then, we(parents and me) were an average struggling middle-class family and had bought our first flat without any loans. Naturally for a few years before and a few that followed, we were literally living hand to mouth. In those struggling days, is my most treasured childhood memory etched.

During that period, my parents could not afford to take me out to restaurants often. Our basic necessities were fulfilled, no doubt. But we didn't have the disposable income to spend on enjoyment. So what did they do?

Amma used to come back from work and cook dinner. She'd then pack this up in hot-packs. In the meanwhile, daddy would take out a neatly folded bedsheet from the cupboard and pack three plates and spoons along with it. We'd take all that and walk to the beach. The beach was only 5min away from home. Daddy then would pick a nice clean corner, put the sheet on the sand and amma used to serve us food. And in the starlight , cool sea breeze increasing our appetite, we would happily eat. There were no hawkers in the night, the beach was practically deserted and silent except for the soothing sound of the waves.

After eating, daddy and I would lie down with our heads on each of amma's lap looking at the stars. And he would tell me stories - stories from his childhood, flying kites, pranks that he and his twin would play on others, walking 3 hours everyday to go to school which was in the neighbouring village, stealing mangoes, studying in the next street's light and harassing teachers. Amma would tell me about her childhood stories and city life . I would then shoot my random questions at them about life, people, science, geography, anything, and they would patiently answer. If I was in the mood, I would sing
them a nice Carnatic song. After spending an hour or so like that, daddy would buy me a kucchi-ice(ice cream that you get on a stick) or a pot kulfi. But they never bought for themselves. It never occurred to me that they might be deliberately not spending on themselves to save money....

Eating the ice cream, we would walk back home. All those stories, amma's warm lap and the cool breeze would have me ready to sleep as soon as I lay on the bed.

I don't remember what made those nights so special. Amma cooked nothing special - just ordinary yogurt, rice and potato curry or just coconut rice or just tamarind rice. The days they picked to go were not special holidays or weekends, normal week days picked at random and very often. And those stories were probably repeated many times. The ice cream was definitely not the bait as my thatha(grandpa) used to buy me chocolates or cakes or ice creams stealthily very often. Yet when I remember those nights, it makes me happy, lifts my spirits. Makes me feel as though I was a princess....

The rich had reservations and candle light dinners, we had leftovers and starlight dinners.

So what's your most precious childhood memory?

Fadya, my fishie died on Sunday.

His presence in my life was for a month. For a whole month, he gave AB and me a taste of parenthood. We cleaned the tank together, played together, took turns to feed them, every morning, as soon as we got up, we would control our morning pressures and run to the tank to see if all the four were there, alive swimming and happy. For the first few days we didn't even have any other topic to speak to each other. I have clicked 400 pictures of my fishies in a month. Why did he die then? Why did we let him die?

For a few days before he died, other fishies especially Gordon was bullying him, nipping his tummy. Others would just swim around and form a gang. Poor Fadya would get scared - you could make out. I kept the lights off so that he could hide and they leave him alone. That was all I could do. AB would tap the tank to scare the other fish away when they neared him, that didn't help either. Saturday, he looked huge. He had puffed up and couldn't swim. He kept sitting on things, and later that evening, he started to hide and go away from the others. They had stopped bothering him, but he kept away. He was dying. So he secluded himself. Brave fish. And I watched him helplessly.

My only consolation was Govinda. This little baby was a source of our strength. The whole of Saturday Govinda didn't swim merrily around the tank like he does everyday. He was with Fadya. Not poking him, not chasing him. Just sitting by his side. He didn't even leave his side to eat! For some time, I thought maybe he too wasn't feeling well. But he was as fit as a fiddle. He just chose to sit by his dying friend. Fadya tried to avoid him, he wanted to be left alone, suffering. He was hiding and running away from everything and everyone, but Govinda was that annoying little friend who wouldn't let him be alone, suffer alone. The kind of friend who clings to you, glues to you and says 'hate me if you want, but I will not turn my back on you'.

We were surprised to see Fadya find really tricky places in the tank to hide, even more surprised to see Govinda find a spot next to him, just looking at him. After Fadya was removed from the tank, Govinda was relentlessly swimming to the same places Fadya hid as if he searched for him, but didn't find him.

Fadya's loss upset me but Govinda's strength intrigued me, moved me, reminded me of precious emotions often taken for granted. Here's a little thanks for all the gems who have stood by me through dark phases, being my strength and a little wish and a prayer for all of you to be blessed with such an angel in your life and when the time comes, you to be somebody's angel too.

Dido's post about some NRIs coming back to India, drinking mineral water, shocked at roadside beggars, throwing a false accent, annoying everyone to their hair's end with their 'India is so filthy' slogan has inspired this post. As Soin and Aparna had pointed out, these specimens are also called 'Peters' in Chennai jargon. What these Peters do when they are in India has been very well explained by Dido. I now attempt to shed some light on their behavioural traits outside India, where they live.

For starters, these Peters become Pappus when they are outside India. Their fake accent  and their 'wannabe'-ness is the biggest joke over here. No person from Indian or even non-Indian origin enjoy/appreciate it. They barely tolerate it!

In most cases, basic manners, etiquette, courtesy, in fact every ounce of sociable behaviour is traded for hi-tech electronics and foreign currency. Now I don't know for a fact whether these people were as uncivilized when they were in India...

Talking loudly in their own language on the phone, pushing to get inside the train and catch a seat, not smiling back at people who smile at you, not thanking, not using 'please', not apologising are just the basics.

Here are some examples, so that the next time some Peter shows you attitude and tells you 'why-is-India-horrible' or 'how-unfortunate-you-are-to-still-be-uncivilized' tales, you can show him/her your middle finger (at least mentally)!

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Case 1: Salaam Saab
I sharpened my skills of courtesy here in England. For example, when you open a door and walk inside a shop or a cinema or any public place and you see someone behind, you hold the door for them and give a polite smile when they thank you, and they in turn hold the door for someone coming behind them. Your race doesn't matter, your sex doesn't matter, your age doesn't matter. And how difficult is that? Yet how sweet, kind and polite is that?

I have often seen that when the door is held for these Peters, forget taking it from your hand, forget thanking you, forget smiling, they walk past you as if you were a watchman! Thank heavens that they don't expect a 'salaam saab' from you!

Case 2: Ae Ganpat, chal daaru la
Remember those annoying idiots who call waiters by whistling or making the elongated kissing sound? Those Pappus come out of India and walk into any fine dining restaurant straight inside (they don't wait to be seated), sit down, pick up a menu from the next table and yell out 'Excuse me' , while stretching their legs to the next table! Gosh guys, this is a fine dining restaurant not a 'Vilas Bhavan' or 'Mannu da dhaba'!

Oh and don't even get me started on their tipping habits!

Case 3: Wholesale offer
My visa agent, a Canadian once said
"I had an office in India. I had to shut it down within months of opening it."
Me: Why?
He: (giving a 'why I spoke too soon' look)
      Are Indians rude by nature?
Me: Of course not, why?
He: Well they were pretty rude, you know... They never understood why I said I could not go ahead with their application as the documents were insufficient. They used to yell a lot too. One man came to me and said 'Do my visa for free. I'll give you 6 brothers. You can charge them whatever you want, but do mine for free.' I had a hard time explaining that I cannot pay his visa fee, these applications are handled by other country's home offices and things don't work this way!

I couldn't say he was bluffing, we do these idiotic bargains don't we? Some Pappus just cross the limit!

Case 4: One big happy family
A small B&B owner in Isle of Wight had problems with Indian guests as they would book only two double bedrooms saying there are two couples, but instead of 4, 8 adults and 5 children turn up, women and children staying in one room and the men staying in another!

Case 5: In the air
My friend is a flight purser, an Indian. He has problems with Indians holding a British passport. In the flight they keep asking him for a separate toilet because they are British passport holders (even the British people don't ask for it)! Finally he accepted defeat in trying to explain them that they cannot be provided a separate toilet - so he wrote on a piece of paper 'For British passport holders' and stuck it on a toilet door!

Another friend who is an air hostess says that she hates to do International flights going to or starting from India as many Indians treat air hostesses and flight pursers very badly, like a personal servant! Even the business class passengers!

Case 6: On water
AB and I were once traveling from Calais, France to Dover, England by a ferry. We were sitting on a couch by a bar, and AB had gone to the bar to get drinks. In front of the couch were 4 tables and around 16 chairs - like a restaurant seating. A huge Indian family with umpteen little kids came, the men sat down first, women had to adjust in the remaining seats and children were let to run around the deck like rats let out of a cage! One fat cow, a mother of two sat on my TABLE (not chair guys-table), right in front of me with her gigantic ass right in front of my face! I tapped on her back and said, 'We are going keep food on this table, do you mind?'

She hopped down, no apology, but still left her handbag there! I was fuming with anger, I took it and threw it under the table with a loud 'thud'. She came and quietly removed it - again no apology. The kids were creating a havoc running and yelling, tripping and crying, fighting and pushing! Everybody was looking at the parents expecting them to do something about it, but they were too busy chit chatting loudly in their own language! I hated myself for being there, embarrassed for being an Indian in that deck, owing to their behaviour. In the meanwhile, a 2 year old came to me smiling, I smiled back, and then she threw up on my table! Did she take a revenge on me because I did not let her mother sit there? Anyway the mother sitting right in front of me was so busy gossipping that she took no heed of her sick child. I had to get the child to her and she cleaned the mess and finally said a 'Sorry'. AB came back with the drinks, and we ran out of that deck - we didn't want to be seen anywhere near that family and be associated with them as fellow country men!

Case 7: Again on water
I was reading reviews about this cruise I had taken with my parents ages ago to see if it still was as fantastic as I remembered it. It was.
However one review said something on the lines of
'This cruise operates in Singapore, Thailand and Malaysia. So be prepared for plenty of Indians on board. Indians travelling as couples or small families are fine - they don't bother you. However large families are loud, pushy, rude, children are totally misbehaved, and don't have any concern for the comfort of fellow passengers. Even worse is Indians travelling as a group of friends (males). They stare at every woman, be it married or unmarried, pass comments in their own language and laugh hard looking at you. It made my wife feel very uncomfortable. Apart from them the trip and the cruise was fantastic.'

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There are many more such cases. Any proud Indian reading this would be terribly irritated by the fact that these handful of Peters/Pappus humiliate all of us when they come to India, and destroy our image when they are outside India.
 
So the next time you see any Peter, criticizing India only to show off - I think you know what to do!

P.S: Any suggestions on how to react when I come across Pappus outside India is more than welcome :-)

... gave me nightmares and screams!
Honestly, trust me!

Last night I watched the movie. When I went to bed I dreamt that...

A girl wrote AB a text saying 'I love you' and I read it. I got so furious, I saw his sent messages, where I saw his message to her saying 'Divz is my everything but I love you too'. I screamed. I saw AB going towards her...

I could not take this any longer, I had to bring her down, so I got her addicted to drugs and destroyed her. 'Hah bitch! He's mine' I said...
He left her and we both lived happily ever after

Look what a movie can do to a simple girl totally secured in her relationship, would cry to even hit a roach or a spider, has never ever thought of taking or giving drugs! The only similarity is that I live in London, GAH!

Dreams apart, Sallu is the only reason to watch this movie if you want to. While Sallu does make you smile and laugh(even his kid version with his mischief) Ajay only makes you want to tear your hair apart. Songs are very nice but most of them are a total misfit to the storyline. It is difficult to understand if Asin is the lead female actor or the lead extra :-P

Go watch it only to tell me what you dreamt after that :-)

PS : To the girls reading this, the immigration officers strip Sallu to his boxers and a tie *winks* *winks* :-)