Letting go
'Do you know how big a curse it is for a parent to let their child go away?', he asked. He was speaking about his daughter who had gone to Southampton for studies. Parents and the daughter, unable to bear the separation spoke on the internet for at least 3 hours a day, everyday, he said.
'She feels lonely and homesick. She has made no friends, She is scared to call you. Will you be an angel and call her, be a friend, somebody to talk to apart from us?', he asked. Scared? We don't even know each other! Only when he spoke I came to know this relation existed - she was my mother's maternal uncle's wife's paternal uncle's daughter. She was somewhere in the UK, homesick and lonely, and vaguely related to me - so I was expected to baby-sit her although she was around my age.
'How on earth could she make friends if you hogged up 3 hours everyday?', I thought. And why exactly should I care? If they had expected me to pick her up from the airport or search an accommodation for her or guide her on certain things or even let her stay at my place for a few days, I can understand. I would have done that. What do you expect me to do when you say 'be a friend'? If she did want a 'friend', shouldn't she initiate communication, email or call me saying 'Hi, I have heard about you from a common aunt. I am ... This is my phone number. I had a few things to ask you. Could you please help me out?'? Oh wait, I forgot, she is scared.
Did I call her? Yes. I am cynical, but not cold-hearted. I risked being a total idiot, she didn't pick up, so I left a voice mail saying 'Hey I am so and so, I spoke to your father last night and he wanted me to call you to see if you are doing OK and also to get to know you. So you can always call me back on this number when you are free, if you are not scared that is.'
That call was never returned. Did I scare her more?
'Do you know how big a curse it is for a child when their parents don't let them go?', I thought. It makes them incapable of standing on their own legs, lack confidence, weak, unable to defend themselves against a cruel world, yes it's timid girls like her who are easy victims of the society's ugly offenders.
All over the world, parents let children go, to studies, careers, marriages. To let go what they thought of as the reason of their existence, the axis around which their lives revolved, their identity, definitely must not be easy. Yet, they don't call it a curse. They do it with a smile, a suppressed tear. When those children become parents, they too let go of their children when the time comes. And I honestly don't think these parents love their children any less, if I may say, they only love their children more. It sometimes makes me wonder, what would have been more difficult for them? Going into labour? Altering priorities, lifestyles, careers to fit the little one in? Or preparing in instalments to let the child go for it's own good?
And yet the other kind of parents do exist. The ones who will have their children revolve around them as a returned favour. The child's 'responsibilities' chalked out even before they can spread their wings. Make the child feel guilty of petty happinesses that they had all for themselves. Not letting go of the children for the fear of the child 'getting spoilt', fear of a lonely ageing, fear of what will everybody say.
Or maybe it is just a lack of trust in their own children...
I dont think that being shy or not making totally new friends can be totally related to letting go by the parents. For example I have been out of my parent's umbrella for the majority of this decade and yet when it comes to making new friends, for some reason or the other I take time though I do say the hi/bye stuff them. May be this friend/relative of yours is shy by nature. Not being confident can definitely be related to not letting go.
Shy nature is a personality trait you develop over time, but do you have your parents call the people you want to say hi/bye to and make them do it first? I don't think so.
The problem of letting go arises when the father, instead of boosting his daughter's confidence, coaxing her not to cry or feel lonely but spread her wings, comes ranting to a total stranger to take care of his daughter in his absence.
There are many reasons for lacking confidence. Not letting go is one of them, not the only one, as I had implied.
Well said!
I know what you mean..I have too come across such set of parents who just don't want to stop baby-sit their well grown bacche..And yes these are the spoilers as well of their future...
Hope the girl gets on her own sooner !
Some people have what I call "victimization syndrome".. If they really cared for their daughter, they could have cited u as an example and said hey, look someone ur age managing well under the same circumstances.. Instead they make her look like a poor victim and enlist ppl to show sympathy to her. Annoying!!
I have had the good fortune of having wonderful parents.. They have protected me and let me ago at the right intervals.. I never felt that I had to fight for freedom.. I feel lonely too, I miss my parents like crazy but I look forward to seeing them as a cause for celebration not when I am sad :)
well said.
Very nicely written
So true DP... A very nice post :)
@DDD, @Sunakshi, @Saya, @Dido - thanks guys
@ayu - hang in ayu, they understood your feelings when you expressed them the right way, shouting doesn't help. I am glad they let you study in the good uni. Prove yourself to them that you are capable of taking care of yourself and concentrate on studies, they'll get the courage eventually to let you go maybe for further studies or a good job...
@Nu - I hope so too Nu, this is a chance for her to stand on her own legs finally...
@Dee - Oh Dee I have been used as a bad example in the family!
Last year, my cousin brother was in his final year, I said 'if you plan on doing masters, in UK, just lemme know, I'll help you out completely'. His parents smiled and thanked me. But I came to know later that they told him, 'One divz is enough in the family. We don't want you to leave us and go and get settled there. What will happen to us? Dont you have any consideration for your parents? We have not given birth to you and brought you up sacrificing so much for you to leave us one day.'
Apparently I am the sheep that has strayed :P
Anyway, there are few parents who let go at the right time, and few children who acknowledge it. I am glad you do :D
mmuahs
@Divz: "We have not given birth to you and brought you up sacrificing so much for you to leave us one day." sounds so filmy maan...:D just kidding...i was laughing at that statement like nything!
I get so many of these, it's not even funny. So and so's daughter got married and moved to the US. She is homesick, lonely, cries all the time and needs a friend.
What? I was younger than her when I came here. I made my friends, found my way. She can do the same. I am willing to help out if it's anything they need but forced friendship is not for me. And I absolutely draw the line at taking them shopping just because they are bored.
Parents need to let the kids be. The late 20 something Kid had to find her own legs..I think..and parents have to butt out of her life to let her grow up. I see so many marital issues because the girl’s parents are over involved.
nam, how did i forget the 'take her shopping' torture!
i totally agree with you, butt out of their lives and let them develop their own spine, or be with them and teach or guide them to live their own lives....
People sometimes can't let go of their comfort zone. It differs from person to person. Some people take time to adjust.
BUT, having said that, when someone complains being away from home and missing home food and blah blah blah constantly, then I get mighty irritated! Feel like snapping at them, ask them to just grow the hell up and to just go with the flow!
Nice post!
so true M!
thanks :-)